Amazon Kinda Sorta Doesn’t Understand What “Guarantee” Means
I don’t actually think Amazon understands how guarantees work. As in, I’m fairly confident that the people at Amazon are the types who use the word “literally” quite liberally. “I went to Starbucks and got myself a coffee and it was so hot that I literally exploded”. Oh so you’re dead? “Nah, just like, my hands were literally on fire.”
As a company, if you guarantee something, that should maybe mean that you can 100% promise that whatever you guarantee to happen will actually happen. Otherwise it makes absolutely no business sense to call it a guarantee. This is precisely why companies offering you advice on stocks will not guarantee anything, because (a) they understand that they can’t (and shouldn’t) promise success in the stock market since that shit is unpredictable, and (b) they are not morons.
Amazon, however, chooses to advertise GUARANTEED DELIVERY on their items. “Hey guys, buy from us! Pre-order this game here! If you do, we’ll give you a code for some sweet unique gear and also promise you will get this game on its release date!”
So why write about this? Well, because Amazon blows. I pre-ordered Halo from them a while back because, hey, they guaranteed delivery on the release date:
Aaaaaaaaaaand of course, it didn’t arrive. Soooooo what’s the big deal? Well, a couple of things:
1. Amazon doesn’t own or control UPS. They are essentially guaranteeing someone else’s work. If Amazon personally had their staff walk items to your door on the date they guaranteed it would arrive, had them shake your hand, give you a hug and maybe even a kiss on the cheek, that’s one thing. Then Amazon could advertise “Guaranteed Delivery, Handshake, Hug, and Kiss” and everyone would think they were awesome and/or creepy. But that’s not how this works. There is honestly no reason for them to do this when they could simply say “Estimated Delivery” and not pull the ole’ Lucy Football trick on us.
2. If you guarantee something, actually kinda sorta understand that means you PROMISE. This means you can control all factors and variables and ensure your promise comes true. And if you CAN’T, don’t treat it as a simple mix-up. This is not your estimate being wrong. This is your promise being a lie.
08:57 PM PST Maricar(Amazon): I have checked on your item and I am sorry that your order didn’t arrive on the promised date. We also didn’t expect and want this to happen. As much as possible, we would like you to receive your order on time. In this cases, the package will usually arrive within the next business days. You may wait until November 13 to receive your order.
08:58 PM PST Cain Diaz: I understand that. However, I bought this item from Amazon because Amazon guaranteed delivery today. I don’t want an item delivered tomorrow, or on the 13th. Not if the Amazon GUARANTEED delivery today.
08:59 PM PST Maricar(Amazon): I understand, there might be a problem with carrier. That’s why your package is delayed.
09:00 PM PST Maricar(Amazon): Are you willing to wait until November 13?
If you GUARANTEE an item will be delivered on the 11th, don’t then ask them to wait until the 13th. Makes absolutely no sense. “Oh yeah we promised it would arrive on Tuesday but just wait until Thursday and you should be fine.”
3. Amazon social media is a joke. Like most companies, they have a social media presence on the lookout for people’s complaints. And like most companies, they respond with the typical “Oh no, looks like you are having a problem. Contact us and we can help.” Well what happens when you contact them? They send you a survey to fill out and then follow up on that survey with an email stating, “Oh you got a refund so looks like everything is hunky dory”. No, everything is not hunky dory. I got a refund because you didn’t fulfill your promise, and now I don’t have the item I wanted. On top of that, I could have pre-ordered this from another vendor who actually has their shit together. So basically just spent time and energy using your site to order something, wait around for it, cancel the order, and get a refund.
Conclusion: I am officially on the GameStop bandwagon for all my video game needs. Amazon can suck it.