Building the Ideal Presidential Candidate

I’m going to start this post with this disclaimer: I’m ignorant, I know very little about politics, so take this entire post with a giant margarita glass full of a million grains of salt.

I graduated with a Political Science degree from UC Berkeley.  Like a lot of people out there in the real world, I’m working in an industry not even remotely connected to this degree.  I’ve been fine with this.  Berkeley and I had a mutual understanding: I paid them a bazillion dollars, and they provided me with a unique experience that, in general, helped me learn how to not become a victim of natural selection in the foreseeable future.  The degree was cool, yes, but more important was the networking, experiences, buddies, booze, and life lessons.

This election cycle is sort of changing some of that.

Political Science is, by definition, a science.  A social science, yes, but a science.  Top political scientists see themselves as gurus capable of understanding the intersection of economics, law, history, political theory, (insert any field here), and how this pertains to government, elections, etc.  So there’s kind of an expectation that people are going to know their shit.

But there is nothing scientific about this election, and nobody knows what the hell is going on.  You can grab all the test tubes, notepads, guinea pigs, surveys, beakers, nerds, goggles, and hypotheses you want, but just know that Trump and his followers are going to take a fat shit on your science fair board.


In an article published a few days ago, The Washington Post claims that political scientists do actually help explain this election.  As they put it:

The argument in four words: Most voters aren’t ideologues.

Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with?

You don’t need a long-form article to try to explain what’s going on.  That’s 10,000 pretty words that boil down to: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The real argument, in THREE words, is a lot simpler: people are dumb.  George Carlin probably said it best: think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of ’em are stupider than that.



The reality is that pretty much everyone is a dummy, in one way or another.  That’s life.  I’m a dummy, you’re probably a dummy, Democrats are dumb, Republicans are dumb, everyone is dumb.  The average voter is a dummy.  Most people understand this, and settle in at a level of comfortable stupidity.  “I know what I know, and I know what I don’t know.”  That’s perfectly okay with me.  Focus on your strengths, live in blissful ignorance, leave each other alone, and die a happy, somewhat dumb person.

The average Trump voter, I’d argue, is the other group of dummies.  They’re the dummies who DON’T realize how dumb they are.  The “I know what I know, I don’t know what I don’t know, but I’m sure I know it” type.  These are the people who look at Gary Busey and think, “Now that young man has a good head on those shoulders.”

I’m a Republican, but even I can look at these people and think: whoa, easy there!  What the hell happened?  Can’t we just go back to the days where we admired fine, upstanding gentlemen like Arnold Schwarzenegger?  A real leader who respected family values and only occasionally called people “Girlie Men”?




When you think about it, this isn’t even a left vs right thing.  I do the same with people on the far left.  If you think Hillary is a saint, you’re a moron.  I’ve always thought that Republicans are people who know they’re “politically incorrect” and are okay with it, whereas Democrats are people who pretend they’re not and haven’t come to terms with it.

So spare me this political science nonsense.  Call a spade a spade, and a dummy a dummy.  People are dumb, that’s the bottom line.  That’s why Trump is doing well.  That’s why Hillary is doing well.  People are dumb.

Now … if we really want to move this country forward, we need to unite our brainpower and build the ideal candidate: someone who’s probably right smack in the middle of all this nonsense.

So, after countless days of deliberation, hours upon hours of hard work, thousands spent in manpower, and years of self-reflection, I present: THE IDEAL CANDIDATE.



Face / Heart – Bernie Sanders
Everyone would look at him and just feel an extreme fondness for this zany, old kook.  He has the face of a man who you genuinely just feel sorry for.  Our enemies would gaze into his eyes and think, “Ah geez, I can’t be mean to this guy.”  On top of that, his heart’s in the right place.  He loves people, and genuinely wants everyone to be happy.  He literally has no clue how money works, but his heart is definitely in the right place (unless you’re rich).

Hair – Mitt Romney
CLASSIC Presidential flow.  No two ways about it.  He’s a walking advertisement for “Touch of Gray: Just for Men”.  The top is the embodiment of youthful vigor, the sides a reflection of experience.

Body – Vladimir Putin
I hate him, but even I can admit that he’s got the body of a man who can get things done.

Royal Steed / Trusted Companion – Bill Clinton
Slick Willy as your wingman?  No contest.  This guy definitely has the cajones to lead you into combat.  JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE.  Lots of experience with people riding him into the sunset, too.

Social Policies – Duane from Full House


“Duane, how do you feel about (insert relevant social policy here)?”

Economic Policies – Oprah
“How do you feel about (insert relevant economic policy here)?”
“Look under your seat and you’ll find my answer.”
“Whoa, a million bucks!”
“:: high fives everyone in the room ::”


BAM.  Country = united.

Profile photo of cainsbrain


I like to watch sports, drink beer and draw things, often at the same time.

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