Before you read this article, you must sign a figurative waiver. You must promise not to get mad or defensive when you realize you’ve been abusing any of these categories. Look, it happens to the best of us. Some of us get fashionable at 17, some at 30, hell sometimes guys never figure it out. But remember, I’m less here to poke fun at people, and more here to help my brothers out. So before you get all pissy and sit there in denial saying “that Matt guy is a fucking idiot,” step away from the keyboard, look in your closet, and hopefully you come to the conclusion of “shit he’s got a point.” Never be a prisoner of your own style.
1. Cargo Shorts
Let me pose this question: Would you wear cargo pants? No? Then why would you wear cargo shorts? If you answered yes to wearing cargo pants, probably best to stop reading this article now because you’re well past saving. There is absolutely no purpose for all those pockets, unless you’re at an arcade and need a place to store your tokens and tickets. I’m of the thinking as why wear an article of clothing with an accessory that is both unfashionable and that serves no purpose (more of this in #2). The bagginess and overall fit of cargo shorts is extremely unfashionable. You want to find some shorts that are mostly flat fitting and are a complimentary color to what you’re wearing up top. J Crew
be good places to start for this look.
2. Dress shirts with Chest Pocket
This look just screams old man. If you’re not a doctor carrying around a pen and prescription pad, there isn’t much use for having a chest pocket. I mean my boss wears these, and you don’t want to dress like him, trust me. Chest pocket screams laziness, not particularly the vibe you’d want to put off in the workplace. While on the topic of this, make sure you buy fitted dress shirts. Nothing worse than walking around in a shirt that looks like you inherited from your dead grandpa. Check out Ben Sherman, H&M or Express. And yeah, don’t forget to leave a button or two undone.
3. White Socks
This one boggles my mind. As if guys don’t ever look down and see how bad this looks, especially the socks that come up to the mid calf. The only time high white socks are acceptable is if you’re pushing 80 years old and you’ve lost all sense of self-purpose. There are few shoe colors and styles where white socks are acceptable, but as a whole I’d rather see them extinct. Sub the white socks out for black. As a general rule, you should always elect to wear “no show” socks
, or what is referred to as “ankle socks.” Take all your white socks and throw them in the trash. They are no longer needed. Don’t even have them around as an option when you become too lazy to do laundry. Burning of clothing will become a common theme so don’t go burning up all your lighter fluid and matches just yet.
Remember earlier when I alluded to not wearing something that is both unfashionable and not serving a purpose? Well I don’t fancy you’re going to run into much gunfire from ISIS at the mall so why the fuck do you insist on wearing camo? I can smell the aroma of girls everywhere throwing up in their mouths a little bit every time they witness some bloke walking around in anything camouflage. I realize attraction is subjective but someone still needs to explain this one to me. Do you want to be seen? Do you not want to be seen? How the hell did camo become a thing? Pack it up and send them to our boys overseas because the battlefield is the only venue in which camo should be worn.
5. White Undershirt
For the first time on this list, a trend that has changed over the years. Though, the years I’m referring to are years of life, because white undershirts were fair game when you were 11 years old and your mom didn’t know any better when dressing you for school. I see grown men wearing these under polos and button ups and it’s the look of a level 10 cholo. If you do this you’re pretty much telling everyone else that they are better than you. You can be walked upon. They can just steal your girlfriend while you will play possum on the ground. Do you want that? You don’t need a damn shirt under your shirt. Be a man and show a little chest, it won’t kill you, weenie.
Honorable Mention: Tank Tops
I put this as honorable mention because people told me I was wrong. But that’s the beauty of having a blog, I choose what’s fact, because if it’s on the internet it’s true. Let me start with a firm statement: Unless your day is to be spent poolside, mowing the lawn, or at a music festival, shirts with no sleeves is not ok. I can’t spin this any which way, just don’t fucking do it. I can only think of one reason why someone would want to wear a tank: You want to show everyone how poor and trashy you are. Tank tops in social settings is the sure fire message to everyone that you took a one way ticket from the trailer park. Try a well fitted polo shirt if you’re trying to show your progress at the gym. Anytime I see someone in a tank I always want to know which shirt they had laid out next to it and said “Nah gonna roll with the tank today.”
Let the basketball jerseys run amok on the boat, or the old glory tank fly high at Coachella, but not at the family BBQ or anywhere else. Tank tops and wife beaters need to suffer a cold fast death.
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