Holiday Gift Guide aka Ridiculous Shit My Fiancée Wants

I had thrown the idea around to do a super serious Christmas gift guide for my fellow bros out there. However, I ran into one problem: I go through enough hardship trying to pinpoint one gift to get my fiancée, let alone fifteen.  So I’d feel like a serious false flagger if I put my name on a guide. With that said, I used the idea for a blog post as a cover to get a list of gifts my fiancée wanted for Christmas. Killing two birds with one stone, I get to help the dudes, while at the same time stock the base of the tree like Kris Fucking Kringle.

For the ladies out there, first of all let me say I’m disappointed in you for procrastinating with your holiday shopping. But I can help you also. Feel free to ask me questions via the comments or via Twitter here TheeMattB. For the bros, you got one week to go so I know if you’re reading this, you’re in dire need. Let’s do this!

Anthropologie Champagne Glasses  $58

Chicks dig Anthropologie. No joke, if they sold jars of human feces, girls would be all over that shit, talking about how artistic it is. Getting these will lead to an excuse to drink champagne, which will hopefully lead to convincing her to finally do reverse cowgirl with you. Everyone wins!

I Woke Up Like This Mug $10

When she wakes up from the night of breaking in those champagne flutes with a nasty hangover, she’s going to need some coffee and a self-esteem booster. Enter this mug. The coffee mug made for the number one betch in your life.

Anal Vibrator  Curling Iron Wand $28

Yup. Gotta admit, was a little freaked out when I saw that she sent this to me. I was kinda turned on but also kinda freaked out? Oh well, false alarm guys. Got my mind out of the gutter and realized she just wanted curls on curls on curls.

Kate Spade iPhone Case $28

It’s stylish. It’s designer. And it has the lashes that only Latisse can help acquire.

Elephant Jewelry Holder $88

Cute animal + knick knack + practical use = sign every girl up

 Bib Necklace $50

Yeah this looks like it was raided from Mr. T’s top drawer, but it’s big, flashy, and obnoxious. What’s not to love?

Rebecca Minkoff Crossbody $195

On a serious note, this will score you some serious points. And if she’s bold, go purple. It’s a good look.

lululemon Pants $98

These pants were scientifically engineered to make your girls ass look like it did on her 19th birthday….everyday. You’re doing yourself a disservice by not buying these.

ASOS Oversized Scarf $34

Pro- This scarf will keep her warm on that really windy day.

Con- This scarf mixed with a really windy day will almost certainly put her on the pavement since it looks like it weighs 30lbs

Pro- This scarf will provide cushion when she hits the pavement on that really windy day.

Rose Gold FRENDS Headphones $175

Are they stylish? Kinda. Are they ridiculously overpriced? Yup. Am I selling you on these? No? But don’t you own a pair of Beats by Dre.? Case closed.

Jewelry Tree $14

It’s no weeping willow but it looks great next to any girls armoire. Also, a subtle way to tell her she’s really messy and disorganized.

David Yurman Bracelet  $775

Another serious one. Getting this for her equals blow jobs for days, weeks and maybe even months.

Metallic Eye Slippers $165

I don’t even fucking know, you guys.

Neck Pillow  Heavy Knit Snood $20

Snood no longer means that computer game you played in 02′. This infinity scarf is universal with any of her outfits.

That’s all I got. Happy Holidays, and buena suerte.


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