I Thought I Was Rooting For The Pirates Tonight, Then They Did This…

 

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There is only one thing in this world I hate more than the Chicago Cubs, and that’s the Islamic State of Iraq and Levant (better known as ISIS). Anyways, tonight’s National League Wild Card game between the Pirates and Cubs should be pretty easy for me to pick a side, right? Well yes, right up until I saw this news article from CBS Pittsburgh

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — One local Pirates fan has come up with a strategy for fans attending the Pirates’ Wild Card game Wednesday.

And he’s hoping it’ll give the Bucs a big advantage

Bill Ferari came up with a list of chants — one for each inning while the Cubs are pitching.

He’s trying to spread the word and get as many fans as he can on board.

He’s hoping his plan will be enough to rattle Jake Arrieta when he’s on the mound.

If you want to join him, here are the chants he suggests for when the opposing team is pitching:

  • Inning 1   constantly chant pitchers last name (example “ARR I ET A!”)
  • Inning 2   constantly MAKE NOISE when pitcher is standing on mound, plus everyone has both arms up and to the left and when pitcher is about to release ball move both arms right
  • Inning 3   totally quiet until pitcher starts wind up then MAKE NOISE!
  • Inning 4   constantly chant pitchers first name (example “JA KEY!”)
  • Inning 5   totally quiet until pitcher winds up then yell “Arrrrrrr!” (like pirate)
  • Inning 6   constantly chant pitchers last name (example “ARR I ET A!”)
  • Inning 7   totally quiet until pitcher starts his wind up then whistle or yell in a high pitched voice!
  • Inning 8   constantly MAKE NOISE when pitcher is standing on mound plus everyone has both arms up and to the left and when pitcher is about to release ball move both arms right
  • Inning 9   constantly MAKE NOISE when pitcher is standing on mound

And any time an opposing pitcher throws a ball, he wants fans to immediately yell, “Ball!”

Are you fucking shitting me? This is professional sports. America’s past time. The playoffs. The biggest stage. And you want to resort to some rehearsed shit that not even a little league team would be corny enough to suggest? Look, I love talking shit during an athletic competition. There is nothing better. My friends and I made this our soul mission in high school. My senior year, I quit the basketball team halfway through the season because I knew my talents were better suited in the stands yelling at opposing players rather than giving our best players free lanes to the basket during practice. Hell, we’d even go to the women’s basketball games, where comments like “Hey 34 you look pregnant” were considered normal and fair game.

So back to Bill “has no friends” Ferari’s awful creative writing. The lowlights:

A) You gotta just love that “MAKE NOISE” is in all caps each time. Cheesy as fuck. Why doesn’t he define make noise though? Way too much trust put into the Pirate faithful. Are we shaking car keys? Steady humming? Seems like a swing and a miss to me (pun fully intended).

B) “plus everyone has both arms up and to the left and when pitcher is about to release ball move both arms right.” So fucking obnoxious and out of left field (ANOTHER BASEBALL PUN).  Wayyyyyy too much coordination being asked for though. Luckily this was scheduled for the second inning so the fans won’t be too shitfaced. I don’t even know what this guy is asking for. Hopefully there is some sort of demonstration between innings. This is scheduled for the 2nd and 8th inning so they should be satisfactory by games end.

C) “totally quiet until pitcher winds up then yell “Arrrrrrr!” (like pirate)” Ok if this was meant as a joke it’s fucking spot on. Maybe Bill is Steve Bartman’s alias and is just trolling the Pirate fans. Only explanation I can give. Would be a perfect way to get back into Cub fans good graces but sadly I don’t believe this is the case. This is so shitty that it almost unshits itself and becomes a good idea.

D) And any time an opposing pitcher throws a ball, he wants fans to immediately yell, “Ball!” For fucks sake. I’m just going to leave this here. No comment necessary.

E) My last problem is Billy is assuming Arrieta is going to still be toeing the rubber in the sixth inning. If you wanted to rattle this dude, should have had him going no more than three. That’s how you lock up some real estate in a guys head that takes the bump with a 1.77 ERA and 2.35 FIP

Not Bill

Not Bill

I despise the wave, and I thought nothing could be worse than that. Pirate fans have officially dethroned that. I’ve been to my share of baseball stadiums. Yankee fans at Yankee Stadium and A’s fans at the o.Co Coliseum have some chant coordination, but they are spontaneous and clever. Pittsburgh is doing it all wrong, and really hope they don’t follow through with this nonsense. Regrettably I’m still going to be pulling for them, basically because I can’t fathom listening to anymore chatter about Cubs baseball from their delusional fan-base. Go Bucs. I’ll be sure not to forget to MAKE NOISE and shout Ball from my couch tonight.

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