My Wife Went on Vacation for Two Weeks and I Learned A Lot About Myself
My wife went on a two week trip with her girlfriends last month and I definitely learned a lot about myself while she was gone. Not the existential type of learning where you realize that you are slowly becoming your father, that you’re going to die someday, or that you aren’t as athletic as you thought you were, but more along the lines of realizing that you do a lot of stupid shit (that you’re absolutely okay with) when unencumbered by a wife pointing out how dumb you are.
I was convinced that I would spend my two weeks drinking a lot of beer, watching a lot of sports, and playing a lot of video games. And I won’t lie, those three things probably made up 95% of my waking, non-working moments. But that other 5% is where all the fun stuff happened. A couple of things I learned:
1. You Challenge Yourself to Do a Lot of Dumb Stuff
It was actually somewhat surprising how quickly you can get bored being home alone. To deal with the boredom, I just came up with a bunch of random physical challenges. How many push-ups can I do in a minute? How long can I hold my legs up parallel to the floor while watching TV and drinking a beer? (not to brag but the whole commercial break but whatever no biggie) Eventually, I wondered how my dog would react if I tried to do a yoga headstand against the wall.
So I stand up, put my beer down, do a quick stretch, and giddy-up right on to the wall. Easy peasy lem– aaaaaaaand my dog is tackling me, causing me to fall down and knock my beer over onto myself. In hindsight, I probably should have known that my dog would’ve reacted that way. But yeah.
2. You Listen to a Lot of Girly Music on the Commute (and Start Liking It)
This one was actually a little surprising. I’d grown used to having a passenger who could change the station whenever songs I didn’t like would play (Driving 101: driver gets to pick the station). Ariana Grande on? No thanks, please change to the 90s on 9 Sirius station so I can jam out to some Nirvana, Wreckz N Effect, or maybe even some Bell Biv DeVoe.
Well, when you’re alone in the car, have a long commute, and have to change the stations on your own, you start giving some songs another chance. And before you know it, your wife is back and you’re telling her that she’s fucking up the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” before pausing, winking at her, and then finishing it up with a timely, “AND I’LL WRITE YOUR NAME!”
3. You Turn Into a Great Cook
Allow me to introduce you to a fine, Latin American dish known as “El Weenie Taco”, which I believe translates to “The Weenie Taco”. This is a simple dish that pairs ever-so-elegantly with a premium ale of your choosing. Though I shouldn’t really do this, lest I betray the secrets of my Mexican ancestors, I’ll share the recipe for your enjoyment:
– 1 hot dog (el weenie)
– 1 tortilla
Heat el weenie until crispy brown on the outside and manly-hot on the inside. Grab your tortilla and heat it on hot heat until hot. Squeeze mayonnaise into hot tortilla and then insert el weenie into tortilla. Tortilla and el weenie have now become a taco. Enjoy.
With a little effort, you’ll soon find yourself enjoying one of these bad boys:
I know, I know, looks like a challenging dish to prepare. But that’s the thing. You have plenty of time on your hands, and find yourself challenging yourself (again) to cook up some tasty meals. It’s almost like you want to prove to yourself that you could take care of yourself just as well as your wife does.
Which leads to my next point:
4. Porn Gets Boring
Haha, just kidding.
5. You Realize You’re Not Really As Young As the Last Time You Lived By Yourself
The last time I lived on my own, I was single and had absolutely nothing to worry about other than — you guessed it — drinking beer, watching sports, and playing video games. Except back in those days, I could drink 3x the beer, watch 9x the sports and stay up until 4 am playing video games. And then go into work the next day feeling like a champ.
Well, that wasn’t really gonna fly anymore. On the first day (a Friday), I pictured myself staying up all night playing games with Matt. Completely convinced that I had free reign to an all-night bro-down.
I think I stayed up until about midnight or so because the three beers I drank made me sleepy. And that was me staying up late.
So In Conclusion….
All in all, pretty good two weeks. But it’s nice having the wifey back. I may have to show off my cooking skills and scrounge up some weenie tacos later.