The Laser Hair Removal Experience

Judging by my previous piece, it seems like our audience really gets a kick out of my pain. It was that or just the simple fact that a man finally admitted that females go through a lot of psychotic bullshit to look good for us (as opposed to simply doing psychotic shit with no benefit to us).

Since this recipe worked so well before (600k views, hashtag humble brag) I figured I’d give you another P.O.V. of personal torture so that you can sit on your couch, laugh at my misery, without actually having to experience it yourself. Let’s face it, who doesn’t click a YouTube video titled, “Guy falls off 60 foot ladder while Chainsawing tree.” We love it when others experience physical pain, as long as it’s anyone but ourselves. Why do you think NASCAR is so popular? You actually think people enjoy watching five hours of driving in circles? So, in part three of what us here at DudesDigest are now calling “Shit Chicks Do,” I experienced laser hair removal.

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I can’t take much credit for this, it was actually my fiancees idea. She is disgusted by hair. Scarecrow fear toxin type phobia. In prep for my appointment, she had to shave my back. With every stroke I thought she was going to keel over. My back is not THAT bad (more on this later), plus, I’m not ashamed to admit I have….errrr…. had back hair.  It’s manly, to some. Just wish I could take that hair and slap it onto my face because when I go more than a week without shaving, my face resembles the patchy goodness of a Chia Pet. Really though, is there any in-between here when it comes to the preference of females? I’ve met girls (ok, strippers) that love hair, and girls that despise it. Love/hate thing, no halfway. It’s like pregnancy. There’s no half pregnant. You’re either preggo or not.

I score my Groupon (I’d recommend this if you go this route, it’s littered with Laser Removal deals) and schedule my appointment online. When I arrive, I notice everything in the lobby area is red and velvety. It’s like they turned the set of Moulin Rouge into a medical office. I’ve never been to an orgy but I imagine this is what the “lounge” would look like. I get a clipboard of information and sign off on it like it’s the iTunes agreement.

A rather small man calls me back into a room. He has the look of a guy that’s seem some shit over the years. Some unforgettable shit. The kind of shit that would keep normal people like you and I up at night. I take a seat and listen to his shtick. Why I’m here, what area we are working on, explaining the machine and the process. I’m oddly excited for the laser-ing to begin. Maybe because I’m a masochist. When I remove my shirt, small man lets out of a bit of a chuckle/sigh. I’m sure in his line of work he’s become familiar with holding back his vom when the clothes start to get removed, not necessarily laughter.  As I’m theorizing in my head what he could be laughing at, he goes “You…don’t have very much hair back here.”

“Thanks?” I reply. What he was trying to say was, typically someone with this amount of hair doesn’t get it lasered. This is when he starts giving me the juicy details. “I’ve seen the worst of the worst. You think you go to the beach and think that guy has a lot of back hair? I’ve seen the people that can’t go to the beach because they have too much back hair.”

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What’s the worst part of the body to laser, I ask, already knowing the answer, but I play dumb because I want to hear him say it.

“Ass crack. Without a doubt. Those are the days I have no appetite. People have no respect either, come in here fresh off the toilet after a half assed wipe,” I’m not sure if he intended on that pun but it worked magically. I continue to egg the guy on with stories, because in the back of my mind I know this is going to make for some great blog material that all of you would thoroughly enjoy. After all, HIPAA doesn’t apply when you aren’t divulging patient names. Guy transitioned from ass hair, to nipple hair, to lip hair.  “You think you know, but you have no idea.” Keep on keeping on small man.
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As far as the laser itself, think of it as a suction cup targeting your hair follicles. It’s a mix between a burning and pulling, and the office smells like someone seared up their cat for dinner. Small man takes it all over my back. He told stories for ten minutes, the actual lasering took less than five. Having it used on my back, not so bad. Can’t imagine this thing being taken to my nether regions though. I’ve heard myths of men with hair all over their wang, like head, shaft, whole nine inches.  Could not fathom the laser touching that. I’d stay asexual or find someone with zoofilia. From the female perspective, fiancee got the goods lasered off, and says that experience is less than ideal. She’s silky smooth now though, so her pain is my gain.

Truthfully, the stories did more damage to my well-being than the laser. If you’re on the fence about laser, I say go for it!  I’m all scheduled for my next appointment in six weeks and strangely looking forward to it.  Have no shame gents, get that unsightly hair zapped off if necessary. The sacrifices we make for our loved ones.

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