True Life: I Went to Pure Barre and It Was Fucking Miserable

My fiancée goes to Pure Barre five times a week, apparently to look better than she already does (not possible). If you’re not familiar with Pure Barre, it’s basically a chick cult, which also includes a workout session where you use a barre to perform isometric movements. She comes home and talks about how “hard” class was. I pretend like I’m listening, because that’s what good fiancés do, but really I’m laughing on the inside.

Last week she tells me Pure Barre is having a “Bring the Men” session, and she wants to bring me to class with her. I was knee-deep in a Destiny Crucible match, and as all men know, when your girl asks you if you want do something while you’re gaming you simply respond with yes and hope she forgets because you will. Well let me tell you something, she didn’t forget. She literally brought it up once an hour since her proposal.

I immediately regret this decision, not because the class will be hard, which it won’t be because I’m a superior athlete, but because Gamestop called to tell me I can pick up the video game I pre-ordered at 9PM on Monday, which happens to be the same time as class. I turn this into a bargaining chip to get some unobstructed gaming time in. I’ll go to class, if we go pick up the game afterwards. She responded with yes so quickly you would have thought I volunteered to pay for her wedding dress.

Usually when I’m doing some sort of athletic activity: brisk jog, flag football, looking for stray cats in the neighborhood to collect reward money, I get mentally focused. I didn’t do any of this. Not only that but I walked into this class with my dick so far out I wanted people to think I was the god damn instructor. Much to my surprise, I wasn’t the only male who got duped into coming to class. There are five other couples in class with us.

Upon entering we need to collect three items for class: some resistance bands, two dumb-bells, and a ball I recognize from high school dodge-ball that I used to pelt the nerds in the face with. Not sure if they are on a budget or what, but they don’t have the 60 pound dumb-bells I’m accustomed to, only increments less than five. They’ll do I guess.

 

PureBarre1

Do you even lift, sis?

So we go take our positions and the instructor starts playing some progressive and trance vibes, i.e. 128 to 140 BPM shit. I’m really getting into it now. The fun is short-lived though. We start moving. We start moving fast. I was expecting some type of warmup but no. My fiancee is firing on all cylinders. She’s a natural. I on the other hand look ridiculous. You could compare my success rate in these coordination exercises to a paraplegic trying to roller-blade. Little did I know that the next 55 minutes would be the worst of my adult life.

We lay on the floor and start with aerobics. The “instructor” is “instructing” me to contort my body in ways God never intended it to. My leg is out, my arm is up, basically we are playing Twister and I spun the four corners. We are five minutes in, and I’m getting shown up by six girls with an average weight of a buck o five.

We move to abs. Abs I can handle I thought. But I thought wrong, you guys. Not sure where this workout originated but my mid-section feels like it’s being ripped open by ten-grit sandpaper. After all, lift, tone, and burn is the motto of Pure Barre, I learn. We move to planks which I’m laboring through. We are 15 minutes in, and I want to quit.

Next we’re doing push-ups, then arms, then shoulders. I feel like the Great Wall of China is piling on top of me. Some bro across the room has run into the backroom. I want to join him, but I’m refusing to be that guy. I didn’t care if I passed the fuck out and woke up in the hospital, I wasn’t giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing I couldn’t make it through this workout. The other guys have horror written all over their faces. We’re gonna make it, bros.

I’m playing mental games to get through this session. 45 minutes to go. 45 divided by five is nine. BASEBALL! I’m treating every five minutes like it’s an inning to give myself some way to cope with the time. Fourth inning, top of the order coming back up. Oh man, top of the sixth, bullpen is stirring. Seventh inning, need an insurance run….

I want to die.

My fiancee keeps looking at me and smiling. Borderline laughing. Can’t wait till she’s pushing out our child between her legs. I will be standing over her with a shit eating grin on my face.

9-2010

We move to the barre. Instructor tells me not to lean or put too much weight onto it. If she knew that was the only thing keeping me from keeling over she wouldn’t have been saying that. Every exercise I’m supposed to be violently tucking my pelvis into my abs. “And tuck, and tuck, and tuck.” All I’m thinking is I want to be tucked into bed by my Mother.

I go through a 15 minute stretch (or three innings, whichever you prefer) where I have no memory. Probably blacked out. Not sure if my body was shutting down, the only thing I recall is getting flashbacks of my childhood when I played with Stretch Armstrong, because those are the movements the instructor is asking that I replicate. Eighth inning arrives! 10 minutes to go!

We went into what was called the Cobra Stretch. At this point, I would have rather been eaten by a god damn Cobra then doing this god damn stretch. Fuck me. We finish with some more ab work and I’m thankful because it involves laying down on a mat so if I passout few will notice. Strike three, closer gets the save, game over. The room is spinning. I need a beer.

Get enough women together and they can figure out what men want. We went outside the room and there are pretzels and beer waiting. I’m in no mood to field the cliche rhetorical questions from the others, “Have fun? “It’s hard, right?” I grab two Bud Light bottles to-go and start walking to the car. I need an IV and a body cast.

Add Pure Barre to the list along with Instagram pressure, high-heels, night cream, and 2.5 hours to get ready for night out, of things women have to do to be socially acceptable. I want no part of that. Shout out to females everywhere. You’re the real MVP. I’ll stick to the weight room where I dictate how much time I have between sets and natural body movements.

 

[Update]

Hey guys, 600k views and five months later I went back to class a second time. WAYYYYYYYYYYYY easier. Also, the original photo I had on here I was asked to take down.

 


Someone should tell WDRB News is Louisville not to try Pure Barre, it will only firm up their already present tight-asses 🙂

 

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238 Responses

  1. Cassie says:

    As an instructor/teacher/cult leader of the “LTB” I.am.dying.

  2. Angela says:

    This is my first time on dudes digest (as I am not a dude) but this might possibly be the funniest/most accurate thing I have ever read. Pretty much on par, of how I felt my first class.

    Bravo Dude.

  3. Joleen says:

    I love Pure Barre and I loved bringing my boyfriend in to experience exactly what you just described. LOL. Dying laughing. Great article!!

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      So I’m not the only one whipped enough to go? Good to know.

      • Nathan says:

        Man, I feel ya on this one. Now to add to the story and pain: Not only did my wife get me signed up on this one (whilst I was playing a video game myself), but she scheduled it for the day after my 29th Birthday. Most Birthdays are fairly uniform, go to a bar, get some drinks, go home…. However, this year we spent the weekend camping at the lake and drinking liquor, horrible mistake. We got home from the lake a mere 2 hours before the class, at this point it had been 100 degrees all weekend and I am hungover and dehydrated severely. I work out consistently so I was not that worried about it, because most days I could push through a hangover (if needed) to get through a workout. Little did I know what was about to happen (see your story, couldn’t have put it better myself). A few notes: 1)People are not supposed to bend like that, nor are they supposed to “tuck” when doing so
        2) All of the women attending this class stayed extra with the instructor a couple of days before to make this class as hard as possible… Why would you do that to us? If I took you to the gym I wouldn’t start you off on a 300 lb bench press, I would ease you into it… Not the case here.
        3) I thought the instructor would be showing us more through her personal instruction than having to keep up with the fast paced workout, however she did come by every so often to remind me that I wasn’t doing it correctly, at this point I didn’t even care, but nothing like a little public humiliation to accompany this hellish workout
        4) The blackout is real, I reached a point in which my body or mind went numb, still trying to figure out which it was, regardless there is a brief stretch of this class I do not remember.
        5) The barre, which we are not supposed to put too much weight on…. I may have accidentally pulled or pushed out of the wall. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, and it most likely was during the exhaustion blackout phase, but I do know that I will be forever known as “the guy who pulled the barre out of the wall”. To be honest, I really don’t care as long as I never have to go back.
        6) The food afterward (we had pizza and beer): who wants to eat anything after that, please just show me the nearest route to somewhere to lay down, no need to kick me while I am down with your snide comments ladies 🙂

        Now it is time for the men to put together a support group in which all the guys sit around and think of ways to get you back for playing this awful prank on us. Most likely it would just turn into us sitting around drinking beer and secretly applauding you women for doing this on a regular basis for us. Good job ladies, Good luck men…

  4. John says:

    Haha! I’m a guy and have been doing PB for 3 yrs. it doesn’t get easier, but at least the eye candy is there. It also does wonders for your golf swing.

  5. Dennis says:

    I went through the same struggle. They focused on butt exercises for 30 minutes in the class my wife took me to. I couldn’t squat or sit comfortably for a week

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      Are you sure it was Barre and not other things that did that to your butt? Just kidding bro.

    • Mary Lessa says:

      God did not intend people to contort their bodies like this or we would all be double jointed. Tried Yoga, lasted about 6 sessions.

      • Christine says:

        Yoga is to help us gain more mobility and strength, not to make us contort. My Lord there is no way I can contort, but I am a heck of a lot more flexible than I used to be, and my hips and back thank me for that.
        Try it again with a less demanding mindset and just enjoy the ride.

  6. suki says:

    Now to figure out how to trick my bf into joining me at one of my classes… j/k 🙂

  7. Trey says:

    Same thing happened to me. One of our friends is my fiancees instructor so one Saturday I was like, “sure, how hard can it be?” Holy shit, never again. I wanted to throw up and get into the fetal position 10 minutes in.

  8. Nikki says:

    I am literally laughing so hard that I am crying. You have captured the torture that is this class so perfectly. Did you pick your testicles back up at the door?

  9. Silver says:

    Hilarious. Spot on. Now you need to try hot yoga!

  10. Conor says:

    Dude here. Perfect description.

    Did one of those classes once about 6 years ago. Wonder if you had the uncontrollable leg shaking during the calf/quad exercises and you are pretty sure every woman in the room is staring at you and laughing…or…just me?

  11. Ryan says:

    And the worst part when I went was that half the class I had that dodgeball almost half way up my ass and squeezing it with my thighs.

  12. THIS MADE MY NIGHT! best description of it ever. you win.

  13. Alyssa says:

    I’ve considered dragging my husband along to “date night” at PB but given his (total lack of) flexibility it just feels too mean. Might wipe the smirk off his face when I bitch about it though…
    Funny guy. Funny article.

  14. james says:

    im the guy that farted at bring your husband night. great read. spot on.

  15. Kathleen says:

    Dying, this is amazing. As an avid barre-goer and teacher in training having to explain how hard this bizarre type of exercise is a daily struggle… “violently tucking”. Unreal.

  16. Randomgirl says:

    I see you’re trying to figure out how your post is getting out there – well, someone in my feed on FB posted it and now you’ve reached Israel 😉

  17. Jamee says:

    First time to the site (not a dude) but I’m absolutely on the floor laughing. Spot on, this was how my coworkers and I felt during/directly after/three days after a “girls’ day” at a class. We walked out of class, into a bar, and ordered a round of tequila shots… And then cried the rest of the week just getting up and down from our desks. This was awesome.

  18. Jennifer says:

    I trained with Carrie at her first studio in Birmingham and have been teaching/taking classes for the last 15+ years. It’s addictive and everyone struggles… But the men!!! Oh they are so weak… Lol

  19. I went to Pure Barre with a group of bloggers doing a promotional / marketing gig (so the hour-long class was free) and I was also six months pregnant at the time. I’m not skinny or petite by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m tall, strong, and athletic. Similar to your man part, I waltzed into PB with my big boobs and pregnant belly sticking WAY out thinking, “How hard can this be? I can do yoga. I can do Pilates. Seriously.” Holy. Schweddy Balls. Sweat was pouring off of me like a rain gutter BEFORE the five-minute “warm up” concluded. I didn’t need nine innings (great analogy and way to count down your time in the torture chamber!) to realize just how out of shape I really was. Lift, tone, and burn? Ha, I wanted to wrap that resistance band around my neck and die, die, die. If any good came out of the session, however, I can say I did a 60-second plank, successfully and in proper form, while my pregnant belly hovered the floor. That’s a trivial accomplishment but I’ll take whatever scraps I can get. I’ve read several reviews and reactions to Pure Barre experiences, but yours tops them all. Well said, TheeMattB, well said.

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      Thanks for the feedback, Nicole. Love the rain gutter analogy (wish I had thought of that). And honestly, if I knew this would blow up the way it has, I may have spent more than 15 minutes writing it…

  20. Nandanie says:

    Now, I may never try this! Hahaha.

  21. Matt says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read. I’m a master trainer for different formats like P90X and thought I’d try a different program last year. Took Barre-sanity. Couldn’t walk out the room and what made it worse, it was ok the second floor. Took me 20 minutes to get to the bottom. Great read.

  22. Chantal says:

    I started taking booty barre classes to loose my baby weight and tone my core and booty of course. It is so freaking hard and that damn instructor makes it look like it’s so easy. Then as I’m practically dying during a set she comes over to fix my form making everything 10 times more painful. If I didn’t buy a 10 class card and if they didn’t have free babysitting I would never go back, lol. Awesome article!

  23. Sequoia says:

    LMAO. I’m a woman, but this is EXACTLY how I felt during my first class (which was 2 weeks ago). I’m an athlete, workout 5 times a week. I mean advanced shit. I made the mistake of working out prior to this class, thinking it was going to be a breeze. No. Not at all. I’ve been to 5 classes since and still feel like I’m being put through the purest form of torture, but I can’t get enough.

  24. Walker says:

    My wife has been foretelling of the Bring Your Man day at Pure Barre like she’s goddamn Nostradamus. I have zero desire to endure this torture.

    Beer and pretzels sound like a welcome surprise but did you still get your preorder from GameStop?? I need a happy ending to this horror movie man

  25. Brad says:

    Good for the golf game? Now this sounds enticing. Gf has been trying to get me to try this for 2 months. Always says I can handle it but dang, after reading this post, it sounds miserable haha!

  26. Dude, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while! I felt the same way and I never went back! Cheers for the laughs!

  27. Rene says:

    I literally am pissing myself laughing at this! One of the funniest articles on these classes. I’m female and will have to agree a bit even for myself.

  28. Lindsey Perret says:

    A little confused about why you have referred to yourself as a “pussy” or “without testicles” in the comments. Comparing yourself to a woman for not being able to do something athletic makes little sense here…

  29. Katie says:

    Hysterical. I did barre for a few months and it never got easier even when I had learned how to do the moves. Oddly enough, your article has inspired me to sign up again.

  30. Kimberly says:

    I’ve never been to Pure Barre, but this is still hilarious! You have a gift.

  31. Jake says:

    dude try going to soul cycle. it only gets worse.

  32. Abkc says:

    Sounds like you need to work on some cardio and get out of the weight room sometimes. Glamour muscles do not make you a superior athlete.

  33. Jill says:

    As a Pure Barre Torturer -I mean teacher, I am getting a real kick out of this. I certainly had the feeling after our ALL MEN class (no couples- we are inviting the men back with their wives for this treat in December haha) that they were ready to get the hell out of there. It is tough and a wonderful workout for men but I understand why y’all would rather stick with the dumbbells and “sets” of a classic mens workout. Thank you for the good laugh!

  34. kewi k says:

    I hate Pure Barre as a woman myself and your article is hilarious. I am a trained Ballet dancer and it is disgracing my craft to crown this stupid fad exercise with the word “Barre” to begin with. I went there once to try out and all women think they are the Sh’@! and they did everything wrong and the instructor is too busy impressing the class rather than focusing on corrections. Nothing right about this type of business. It is for those women refused to pick up the hard workout and owe it, the best analogy I can associate for those women in Barre class is like hearing a woman eating Chobani and claimed they live a healthy life.

    • Emily says:

      I have the opposite feeling about the classes I’ve been attending. I used to be a ballet dancer and the instructors at my location are very good about correcting incorrect poses. I run marathons too and have found it helps tremendously with both that and my golf game (but only if you’re putting the work in).

      • kewi k says:

        That is when I go back to dance studio but sorry not these fad diet exercises you are now switching to and I know you can give a better name. Haha, but I still go and use gym equipments – treadmills, weights and other tools to focus on cross training. I am not competing with you and you know we are all different but the silly pile in wrong postures I have seen women did hurt my eyes.

  35. Lorraine says:

    Wow…..”Can’t wait till she’s pushing out our child between her legs. I will be standing over her with a shit eating grin on my face.” this is one of the meanest comments i have every heard. i really like raunchy over the top humor, but this is just plain cruel. wow.

  36. My daughter was a runner. Then she hurt her back. After a few months of recuperation, she asked to go to barre class with me over the summer. “Will it give me muscle definition?” she asked. (She’s 17) Little by little, she got addicted. We went twice / week together all summer. It rocked. Grow a pair, dude — of boobs. Girls rock!

  37. Amy says:

    I am howling laughing. This is so true. You think you just might die. In fact, you wish you would die. It’s the hardest exercise I’ve ever done and I was a competitive gymnast. But this shit is pure torture. . I’m always afraid to look at the clock because I know only a few minutes will have gone by. It is unbelievably hard, never gets easier, but it works. And it works quick.

  38. RoooDog says:

    My lady does a version of this workout called PopPhysique. There are ads all over LA with very tight butts and abs. It’s pretty awesome to see her reaction when she comes home, and has tried to sucker me into going.
    BTW, Are you Xbox or PS? GT??

  39. Jules says:

    Love it, still laughing and we do all those things plus some ( wax here, laser there, starve, forever on a diet, do not drink what we want in order not to gain eeight…. The truth is: we want to be perfect and look perfect for the boys!

  40. FeliciaK says:

    Seriously dying laughing. Took my husband to a class like this – Physique57- and he still doesn’t get to live it down from my fam to this day. “And tuck, and tuck, and tuck.” All I’m thinking is I want to be tucked into bed by my Mother”– favorite line ever! Well done and such a trooper to all the men who join their ladies through this embarrassing and tough class! 🙂

  41. mini says:

    OMG! I was going to go for the free class to see if I like it, but after reading your article, I am afraid to. LOL!

  42. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. My husband would always come to classes with me (before we were married 🙂 and we have had so many laughs about the crazy stuff I made him try. You were hilariously spot on with this!

  43. Jon says:

    Hilarious.
    Went there on Halloween with girlfriend. Dressed up like Batman and Catwoman. Well, she dressed up like a black cat, so I got a Batman costume and told everyone she was Catwoman…
    I do planks everyday, but when it came time to in that class, after 15 seconds, i was wobbling.
    I cheated on almost every “hold” in that class.

    First timer. Will be back.

  44. Conrad says:

    Bhahahaha, that is hilarious.

  45. Jamie says:

    Love it, I bring my husband to all kinds of workouts like this, I’m sure he can relate! 😉

  46. Pamela says:

    My very athletic son (22) kept on telling me I was a baby for not going to the gym and working out. I was doing barre classes 4xs a week instead….I took him to class..and showed him who was the baby.

  47. lizzy says:

    ok so your article was sub-par and the only reason why I say this is because you’re a cocky fool that needs to get off his high chair. Your fiance is a beast, you aren’t hot either, and your use of foul language partnered up with misogynistic slurs are disgusting. like I said… sub-par.

  48. Kassandra says:

    Currently rethinking of asking my boyfriend to join me at couples night at hot yoga. Laughed the whole way through this article! — Way to stick by your babe!

  49. Megan says:

    My friend posted this on my timeline. I’m a barre & power yoga instructor. Your comments mimick some of the facial expressions I see while teaching. To try to distract clients from focusing on the intense burn I crack jokes and come up with funny sayings. “You can’t fake the shake” or “Yearn for the burn” When one leg starts to shake I call it “Tickle the dog”. I’m glad you tried it and posted about your experience. It will give me more jokes for class.

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      Legs shaking and trembling was one thing I left out of the article. Never thought it would be read by this many people so I wrote this in like 15 minutes. Now I’m regretting all the things I left out. Glad you enjoyed, though.

  50. Alexa says:

    Boyfriend just posted this to my facebook wall. The gig is up. Now he’s never coming.

    I.Blame.You.

  51. Sean says:

    Loved this… spot on Matt. Funniest barre recap ever. After being that guy who crawled out of Pure Barre the first time, I am now a devotee (mostly Bar Method) and go 4-6 times a week. I’m in the best shape since high school (a couple decades ago). Yes, it is a killer, and yes, it actually gets harder as you get better – but do it at least five times in a couple weeks and you’ll get addicted.

  52. Nathalie says:

    This article seriously made my day! Bravo!

  53. Lynn Glendinning says:

    Dude! What ever you do, DON’T laugh at her when she is birthing your child! She will reach up and rip your face (or some other body part) right off. I managed to break my husbands “Twist-o-Flex” watch band bringing our first into the world. But, Kudos to you for trying the class!

  54. Sarah says:

    This is hilarious!

  55. Millie says:

    I remember my first barre class – the instructor says, pick up a couple of light weights – so I say what 10/12lbs? (I was a crossfit person…) and she says no – like 2 or 3 lbs. I think – whatever small girl – but pick up the 3 lb weights. (When you walk by and look in at the class – it doesn’t look like they are doing much – I am more of the boot camp, sports competitive type -) HEAVIEST 3 LBS I HAVE EVER FELT. EVER. How does it burn so much and so quickly? I tried to get my husband to go but he always used work as an excuse. Didn’t try the sex/video game thing… good one – Dude, I live in Italy now and will be sharing this article – wish they had barre here! You made me laugh and miss the pain.

  56. gina says:

    Dying, one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time!

  57. Josh says:

    That was by far the funniest thing I have read. My girlfriend does Pure Barre and raves about it and like you if she asked me to go I’d have to say yes because she waited in line with me for the new Call of Duty so its only far but the best part by far was that you were knee deep in a Destiny Crucible match. That had me rolling. Thanks for the laughs!

  58. Severine says:

    I laughed so hard I am still crying! I used to go to Booty Barre and I can related to everything (I’m a girl btw). The leg and arm shaking (those damn little weights will kill you), the inability to walk like a human being for the next 3 days and the instructor making look like a breeze!
    I very stupidly agreed to go to a hot yoga class last night with a friend and I have come to the conclusion that my body is no made to bend certain ways. I did enjoy one part of the 90 minutes of hot yoga. The last 10 minutes where they tell you to lie down in silence and put a wet towel on your forehead.

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      Haha great response. That’s one thing I left out, how effortlessly the instructor did everything, while talking. The only thing that was coming out of my mouth was dry heaving.

  59. Keri says:

    Does everyone have to come in matching tights or is that part of the cult thing?

  60. Kate says:

    Hysterical and so true!! But Barre is totally fun. Your descriptions are spot on. The hubs won’t even consider after your article..but he liked what you said. Great blog find.. Next thing I know you will write about Kentucky basketball or Georgia football (in a good way). Thanks!

  61. Carson says:

    I’m practically crying while relating to this. The same conversation happened with my girlfriend while I was in a Destiny Crucible match (or Strike, I can’t be sure) but with kettle bells. I smiled and nodded, thinking, “sure the class was hard”, “Yea I bet you’re sore,” and “You’re just swinging a semi-heavy ball around, it can’t be that hard.” I’m hoping she reads this link I sent her before I finish writing this comment.

    We went for a jog and then setup to start kettle-belling. I too was filled with a soon-to-be false self confidence, and then we started. I was dripping sweat from areas I didn’t know I had. My arms were shaking and my core was barely intact by the end.

    Back to the Crucible for me.

  62. Noelle says:

    My husband sent me this because I’ve been asking if he’d go to class with me.. and now it’s RUINED haha! I laughed SO hard because I know he thinks it’s a “ballerina” class 😉 not anymore. I love The Barre Code in Chicago!

  63. Kathy says:

    Perhaps your talent at the barre was not what you had envisoned, but you are a very talented humorist! Your writing style comes across as effortless (and you wrote this in 15 minutes!) and I imagine without any trembling body parts! — I love barre – have been doing it for almost 3 years – every day. I am hooked – and I will attest as others have — your observations are spot on! — Bikram Yoga, though, now THAT near killed me. I only went because a friend (a barre instructor!) gave me a certifate to work out with her – and I felt guilty not trying. I probably shouldn’t have gone with a miserable head cold – but I told myself that the 110 degrees would help me “sweat it out.” Nope. After only 5 minutes, I really couldn’t decide if I was going to puke or pass out. I nearly went for a two-for; my friend, who was beside me, assured me that this was a normal feeling, and that I should lie down for a few minutes. I did, and contemplated crawling out the room – I had deliberately placed myself by the door. But I hung in – and even went back for a few more masochistic classes so I wouldn’t have defaulted on the gift certificate my friend so generously (!) gave me. But now . . . just barre. And walking my dog!

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      That is awesome. The other guy on the blog (Cain) is coincidentally doing Bikram Yoga this weekend, and it going to put together a post. Now I’m even more excited/scared for him. I told him to send me updates in case he dies.

  64. Doug says:

    Nice summary. Sounds like the Friday night I spent at a Pure Barre in Atlanta. I gave them credit for the beer too and the female instructors were great in that I got props for just showing up.

  65. Tina says:

    Omg!!! Nailed it! It’s like you jumped into my brain & pulled out my exact thoughts! I did barre for 3 years before moving to a more naturally paced yoga practice. “If you’re not wearing Lululemon, you’re not allowed inside”. Hilarious! Please write more stuff…you’re a funny guy.

  66. FemaleMarine says:

    Hilarious. And the comments too- I have tears in my eyes. I only wish I was still an Active Duty Marine and could take my guys to this for PT. To think I thought taking them to step aerobics was entertaining….. Granted based on your description, I’d probably be writhing in pain and panting alongside them.

  67. Hanna says:

    OMG I just laughed so hard. That was so well written.

  68. Adrienne says:

    Hahaha, oh my god. This is amazing. Great article! Thanks so much for sharing! Totally made my day!

  69. Jason says:

    Had to respond to this man, I cried when I read it after a friend shared it. I Got guilted into going to bar by my wife after watching her go from hot to smokin! Doing bar. The wrong side of 40 and playing nofriendo not sitting well on my love handles. That’s over a year ago now. 15″ In lost blubber all over my body, 40lbs or so with no Dieting just bar. I go 5-6 times a week now, not sure that I love it. But I now even travel and try to go wherever I end up. it doesn’t get easier over time you just get lower and stronger the more you go. You should put destiny on hold and get your ass back there!

  70. Aleks says:

    This mase me laugh outloud on a bus. You are a brave, brave man. I’ve actually almost passed out in one of these classes before so I totally feel your pain.

  71. Marc says:

    Good one! My wife has been teaching barre since the original Lotte Berk days and now owns and teaches at the RITE Method, a barre class in New Rochelle, NY, so I can relate!
    On the rare occasion that I get duped into taking class, the teachers politely inform me that “it’s not a face exercise”. That’s the moment when I glance over at the mirror and realize I am making the same exact face which is completely appropriate for either pulling a stump out of the ground or smelling rotting fish. I like your baseball analogy, however if there is a next time, I strongly recommend the, “I am a Navy SEAL who has been captured and being tortured by the Taliban and if I can just last the hour my squad will get here and rescue me”, mental scenario. Works for me! Kudos for showing up, lasting the hour, and not farting!

  72. Nancy says:

    Never heard of Dude Dygest before but your experience of Barre at the Daily Method in Venice CA is hysterical. I could not help it but laugh so hard at your review. The ladies at the Daily Method work your butt off. Great workout.
    Thanks for sharing your experience LOA

  73. James says:

    Guys should know better than to go do the lady workout. It is a no win situation. If you do great, you’re a guy and should have. If you fail, you hear about it for ever. Plus any change to the normal workout will make you “feel” it the first time.

    Take the gals from the class and give them a max bench press and they would be dead the next day.

  74. JMPSays says:

    I have not laughed this hard in God knows how long. I am still drying my eyes. Thank you for the hysterical laugh break in the mist of my day!

  75. Creighton says:

    Thanks for the laughs, solid review. I will probably have to go to my wife’s Barr class now, as she is the one that linked me to this. I will lean on your sage advice and go at it 1 inning at a time. I had planned on walking in dick out myself, but will approach the impending pain with humility and a lot of bargaining power with my sadistic wife.

  76. Mitchell says:

    I went to Pop Physique, which is similar. The girls at one point began to notice that I didn’t smell great I’m pretty sure. That would be due to the gallon of sweat I left on their mats. I didn’t think that drinking the night would be a problem. Lesson learned. Men weren’t made to hold their leg up in the air for five minutes. Those things are heavy.

  77. Wendy says:

    Bet your arse looks amazing now, though. You should try pole dancing. Seriously, dudes do do it. And some of them are straight!

  78. John H. says:

    This is the best article ever, friggen hilarious… I feel represented finally!!! Great workout and full props to the girls that go and do this. Me, I’ll stick to the gym routine 🙂

  79. So funny! And so accurate. I could totally imagine my boyfriend doing all this.

  80. Sam says:

    Ex male dancer here. Ballet is bloody hard, when I was training we had it every single morning. BUT my body was great, and my upper back is straight. When I was a kid there was a boy who was a basketball player who went to class, and he wasn’t a typical ballerino but he had strength and co-ordination and it shone through in his basketball. If any sports players are reading this comment, DO BALLET. You will discover muscles you didn’t know you had.

  81. Charlie says:

    If there was anything like this in my area, I’d give it shot. ….even if it was wasn’t “mens night”.
    I’d have to set my phone up to record myself though. I could always use a good laugh.

  82. wolflarsen says:

    So the point is you’re out of shape, and scoring brownie points with your lady by writing this article. Nice vagina you got there dude.

  83. Brooke says:

    I’ve run a couple of marathons, pulled a 200lb sled up the highest peak in the Rockies (while skiing uphill) not to mention years of other athletic adventures. I did this once with my wife. Not only did I think I was going to die, the instructor stopped the class because she thought that I looked as though I was going to have a heart attack. My wife had mentioned how hard it was but that pales in comparison to how much it crushed me. She’s a bad ass!!!

  84. Jordan says:

    My fiancée took me to a Bring On the Men last Valentines day. Fuck me! I am a personal trainer and there was a semi-pro QB I went to high school with doing it next to me. We looked like the kids on a dodgeball team who couldn’t catch, throw, duck or dodge! We were basically trying to get by so it would end or wait for that blistering fast one straight to the face so we could be done with it. I was sweating bullets because I was actually trying. The whole time my fiancée and her friends are laughing their asses off because I’m making the face of complete “what the fuck did I get myself into”. Needless to say, I am never going through that torture again and giving her the satisfaction like she had that day for the rest of our days.

  85. Antonio says:

    wow… I was literaly playing a Destiny Crucible match before a Pure Barre Bring on the Men session. I went in with the superior athlete mind set, and left with a deflated ego.

  86. nicole says:

    you’re kinda a giant dick. and no, that’s not a compliment

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      Thanks Nicole. Love you 🙂

    • Taylor says:

      exactly what I was thinking. what an ass-hat! I’m kicking myself for letting this douche waste five minutes of my life while simultaneously letting his “manly” sexist thoughts enter my mind. some people don’t deserve children if they’re looking forward to the pain of their wife’s childbirth. just such an ass.

  87. Caitlyn says:

    As a barre instructor myself, I am DYING!!! THE FUNNIEST thing I have read in some time. My husband appreciated it, too. Thanks. 🙂

  88. Will says:

    Wow, you are one p-whipped dude. Do you really crave compliments from anonymous women that badly that you have to write this Jezebel wannabe crap?

  89. Kat says:

    Isometric movements? Obviously you were at a pb class. Figures.

  90. Erika says:

    I was at the gym when my friend forwarded your article and the trainers had a good laugh as did my husband…he had a similar experience at a Soul Cycle class and has never been back. I do have to tell you that over the summer I did an experiment to see which workout is better so I did PB for a month straight and no separate weight training whatsoever and when I got back to the gym in September, my trainer was shocked to see that I lost weight and and that my BMI went down. By the way, there were a few dudes who routinely came to PB class but I never could understand why they would continue to torture themselves like since I was for one of them to tear the hamstring! I will definitely think of you the next time I take a class!!!

  91. Lindsay says:

    This is hilarious. I took my husband to one of my barre3 classes, I do around 4-5 times a week, and I was straight up embarrassed at how bad he was! And my husband swims with the UT masters swim team which is intense so the guy is in shape.

  92. Jess says:

    This article was hilarious. I have never taken a Barre class, but a dance teacher friend of mine started one up here in Bermuda. (You made this article viral, good sir.) One drunk Friday I promised her I would attend to show support. Your article has made me hope she was drunker than I was and totally forgets. Kudos on a brilliantly written piece! And mad props on sticking by your lady.

    P.s. To the trolls…..I am a bit confused as to why he’s a pig for his hilarious anaolgies. Very first thing he said was his fiancé does this class to look better, which is not even possible in his eyes. Don’t hate because you’re sad and lonely while he has someone to do things with, even if it’s torturous to him.

    • Profile photo of TheeMattB TheeMattB says:

      My favorite comment yet. Thanks Jess. Everyone is a tough guy behind the computer screen. My fiancee, mother, future mother in law, and grandmother have all read it, and they’re ok with it. Thanks again girl!

  93. PureBarreEnthusiast says:

    Hilarious! Love this. I bought my husband to the “bring the men” class a few weeks ago. He said your article is spot on. He is athletic, lean, and wanted to puke/pass out about 5 minutes into the class. I can’t seem to convince him to come back to “Pure Hell” with me…..

    PS – People need to take the stick outta their asses! I like how you write. Don’t change.

  94. MIA says:

    I CANT STOP LAUGHING FUNNY HILARIOUS!!!!

  95. As a pure barre instructor and blogger I am dying. So glad you know what the “cult” is all about! Now I’ll never be able to get my fiancé to come with me ;-). LTB

  96. Emily says:

    I about died when he said he would have that same grin when she was pushing their child out! Lololol

  97. sasand01 says:

    This was hilarious!!! I just started taking Barre a month ago and its amazing…I kind of want to take my husband to class to let him see what I go through to stay fit! 😉 He will probably die! lol

  98. Nathan says:

    Man, I feel ya on this one. Now to add to the story and pain: Not only did my wife get me signed up on this one (whilst I was playing a video game myself), but she scheduled it for the day after my 29th Birthday. Most Birthdays are fairly uniform, go to a bar, get some drinks, go home…. However, this year we spent the weekend camping at the lake and drinking liquor, horrible mistake. We got home from the lake a mere 2 hours before the class, at this point it had been 100 degrees all weekend and I am hungover and dehydrated severely. I work out consistently so I was not that worried about it, because most days I could push through a hangover (if needed) to get through a workout. Little did I know what was about to happen (see your story, couldn’t have put it better myself). A few notes: 1)People are not supposed to bend like that, nor are they supposed to “tuck” when doing so
    2) All of the women attending this class stayed extra with the instructor a couple of days before to make this class as hard as possible… Why would you do that to us? If I took you to the gym I wouldn’t start you off on a 300 lb bench press, I would ease you into it… Not the case here.
    3) I thought the instructor would be showing us more through her personal instruction than having to keep up with the fast paced workout, however she did come by every so often to remind me that I wasn’t doing it correctly, at this point I didn’t even care, but nothing like a little public humiliation to accompany this hellish workout
    4) The blackout is real, I reached a point in which my body or mind went numb, still trying to figure out which it was, regardless there is a brief stretch of this class I do not remember.
    5) The barre, which we are not supposed to put too much weight on…. I may have accidentally pulled or pushed out of the wall. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, and it most likely was during the exhaustion blackout phase, but I do know that I will be forever known as “the guy who pulled the barre out of the wall”. To be honest, I really don’t care as long as I never have to go back.
    6) The food afterward (we had pizza and beer): who wants to eat anything after that, please just show me the nearest route to somewhere to lay down, no need to kick me while I am down with your snide comments ladies 🙂

    Now it is time for the men to put together a support group in which all the guys sit around and think of ways to get you back for playing this awful prank on us. Most likely it would just turn into us sitting around drinking beer and secretly applauding you women for doing this on a regular basis for us. Good job ladies, Good luck men…

  99. Flavio Maselli says:

    Aweee…. How cute 8^) Did he get his balls out of her purse after the class?

  100. Emily says:

    I went to my first Pure Barre class Wednesday (1/21/15) and I still am feeling the pain. My fiance wanted me to try and describe the ordeal. I didn’t even know where to start….then I found your blog and it summed up the experience so perfectly. The only problem was as I was reading and laughing it made my already sore everything hurt even more, but it was worth it to know I wasn’t alone. I shared it on fb with my cousin who went with me here are her comments in regards to Pure Barre “I’m walking like a toddler with sh!tty pants, my legs hurt so badly! Omg- getting in and out of a chair or vehicle is a task! Stairs? Torture! ” & “My sweet cousin and I decided to try it out together. It is a combo of Yoga, Pilates, isometrics and using a ballet barre so you don’t kill yourself. I was a hot mess. Literally. I hurt in places that only Equestrians, “Ladies of the Evening” or Iron Man cyclists should hurt; and I had no fun to show for it! …. trying to get in shape may result in hospitalization or a highlight on some social media meme of people looking stoooopid !” Needless to say we are headed back for torture session #2 next Wednesday.

  101. Jennifer says:

    So funny! The Brooklyn PB studio I’ve been to a few times is always full of those “buck oh five” women. Class starts and five minutes in, I want to die, cry or both. It never gets easier, I swear.

  102. Allie says:

    Thanks for the humor. I am trying to get my husband to go next week. I will not show him this blog until afterwards.

  103. Sparky says:

    LMAO — my daughter sent this to me, a fifty-something Bar Method devotee who still suffers thru every class even after three years X 3-4 days a week along-side mostly 20-something Tattoo Girlz . I often fantasize that it would be okay to have just 1 leg to avoid having to do ‘pretzel’ on both sides. I will not be sending this to my hubby before feb 14 as he just agreed to join me for the feb Valentine’s Day couples special

  104. Ryan says:

    Fucking great! This is what I get to look forward to this evening. And, yes I agreed to do the same damn thing!

  105. DJ says:

    I just came across this blog this morning and had to share. I laughed so much and so hard, I was basically crying reading this article. I’ve taken several barre classes and I have to say that I agree with you – during my first class, all that kept repeating in my brain was “WTF, seriously?!” Kudos to you for doing it. Although it’s not as bad after several classes, I don’t know if that shit ever gets “easy”, as the side part of my butt area still hurts 3 weeks later. Thanks for the laugh, tho.

  106. Beth says:

    This is hilarious – and terrifying. I’m going to my first class tomorrow. I knew (or thought I knew) what I was signing up for, so I was already anxious. I plan to call 911 right before class begins so the EMTs arrive as I’m passing out.

  107. Kathleen says:

    Hysterical, accurate description of Pure Barre. I lured my husband to the barre for Men’s Night. He’s a manly-man blacksmith who took one look at the workout I’ve been addicted to for almost two years, turned on his heel and headed for the beer and pretzels. Here’s what I’ve learned about Pure Barre (besides not ever again forcing my husband to return); it never gets easier…you always hurt…but oh, my good God, when you’re done, you feel like a warrior who just thwarted an attack by a hoard of evil fat cells. Plus, the camaraderie with other like-minded souls is really great.

  108. My wife’s previous employer started a program where they brought fitness trainers in and offered free yoga and kickboxing classes to any interested company employees. She asked if she could drag me along, and the schedule worked out that I could take the yoga class once a week. The first couple sessions were pretty rough, but it didn’t take that many weeks before I started looking like a Greek god.

    I’m now 36, and not in bad shape, but would like to be in better shape. My biggest problem is that I get bored by traditional workouts, and I’d really rather not commit too much time that I could better spend playing video games and drinking whiskey, or other activities I love. I think my wife and I are going to give PB a whirl. It sounds awful, but the intensity is probably exactly what I’m looking for to whip my body into the shape I want it. I bet it would help improve my archery as well.

  109. Rachel says:

    This is the funniest fricking thing ever!!! And 100% accurate. I made a bet with my partner at work (biggest crossfit junkie ever) he had to do a PB class and I had to do a crossfit challenge…he pulled up a PB vid on YouTube and laughed at me. I sent him your article as a response. Were super competitive so im hoping pretty soon there will be a funny story to tell like yours!!!

  110. Tracy says:

    I’m sure this was super funny but man, was it long winded. I skimmed. And skipped. I am the only one with a short attention span for “try to be funny AND smart AND relevant” posts? I must have ADHD.

  111. Lillyofthevalley says:

    This article was hysterical! I tried my first PB class last week. For the past three days I have had to hobble around because of the agony. It feels like there’s a blow torch on my calves. I literally have to drag my left leg when I walk. Yes it was torture but I’m excited to see the results.

  112. Susan says:

    My husband has swore never to go back again. Good for you for giving it a try!!!

  113. Nice article, pretty funny in some moments! 🙂

  114. Ngan says:

    omg this article is so STINKIN funny!!!

  115. lnel says:

    I’m a ballet/dance teacher, yoga instructor, acro/tumbling instructor who’s degree is in kinesiology and I fucking HATE barre. Why in gods name would I want to put my muscle in a shortened position and pulse? The few times I have tried a barre class all I could think was “when is this over” “I’m going to punch someone”. All the years of mindfulness, meditation and kindness I have practiced goes out the door as I judge the women in their $150 lulu clothes who have a little dog and and a $6_latte and hope that mother nature takes out the whole room. Ya…you’re not alone.

  116. Raquel says:

    I’m not a dude, but also stumbled on this super funny, yet very well-written post on your experience with Pure Barre (from a dude’s vantage point). Glad your 2nd experience was wayyyy easier, and it was lovely to read about how much you love your partner that you were willing to be a man of integrity and get through the entire barre class (good baseball analogy, too). Bless you both!

  117. Rachel says:

    A year after I first read this brilliant gem (that had me rolling) and this is still the thing I send to EVERY man that is trying to date me who says casually “you should take me to a class with you!” when I mention I do barre. Can you imagine doing this in order to impress a girl? Talk about a failed mission. Your article has saved many men from losing their dignity in my eyes, lol.

  118. Tse says:

    This is funny as heck lol
    I cried laughing!!! I’m gonna try pure Barre and u made my day

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